Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize