Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
