my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize