my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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