if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
