Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
