I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
