Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
