You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
