She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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