He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
