I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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