Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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