Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
