So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
