1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
