I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
