i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
