I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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