Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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