I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
