dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
