Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think i got beer on your cat.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
