He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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