Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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