FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
