i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
