how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
