My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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