my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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