Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
