well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
