She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
