the condom got lost in my hair
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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