dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
