Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
