I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
