i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
