Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
bring money and cleavage
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
