I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
