Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
