I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Of course I have a pirate flag
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
