I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
