I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
