So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
