I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't trust your balls anymore.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
