I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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