went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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