i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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