I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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