the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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