I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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