I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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