I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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